There I was, man, sitting behind my cramped-ass bitch-of-a-desk, shorts riding higher than Kim Jong Un’s waistband after Taco Tuesday. It was one of those miserable rainy days in the swampy wasteland known as the Netherlands. The skies outside pouring down like they were sponsored by depression, and my only lifeline to civilization was a prehistoric VodafoneZiggo dial-up connection straight from the ’90s, complete with the melodic screech of dying robots every time it connected.

Yeah, you heard me right, I was freakin’ dialed in, old-school style, watching some cybersecurity dudes from LMG Security drone on like an EU politician about hacker bots and evil AI at RSAC.

God knows why, but there I was.

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Sherri Davidoff (alas, not the cigars and cognac lineage) kicks off the show, uttering words like “vulnerabilities” and “exploits”, and I’m already yawning so loud my Weiner (dachshund ya pervs) looks at me in disgust, and just as I’m about to mentally log off and grab another beer, her sidekick Matt Durrin blurts out something that snaps my attention back like a bad ‘80s VHS tape playing a pron version of the exorcist. . . .

“Evil AI”.

Evil AI? What the freakery is this?

Some shitty Saturday-morning cartoon special?

Plankton finally built his ultimate ChumBot to steal the Krabby Patty formula?

Well, it seems that there are evil hacker bots out there. They’re like ChatGPT’s deranged devil’s reject cousins from Alabama, same family tree, just none of the family values.

“Imagine”, the Durrin says, “hackers using rogue AI with no rules, no guardrails, to spot vulnerabilities in your site, apps, APIs and AIs faster than we can patch ’em”.

Jesus, Matt, maybe use some lube to ease us into the apocalypse a little gentler next time?

He pulls out something called WormGPT, which sounds exactly like the type of knockoff AI tool you’d find on Temu, squeezed between fake Rolexes and cheap EVs.

Them folks at LMG actually bought this WormGPT abomination for 50 bucks through Telegram.

I wonder how, just for science sake, but I never got the answer to my question.

Apparently they tried getting their hands on GhostGPT first, but the guy selling it ghosted ’em, talk about truth in advertising.

Next was DevilGPT, but it’s creator gave Matt enough creepy vibes to nope the hell out. When even cybersecurity pros get skeeved, you know shit’s bad.

But WormGPT, that one worked, unfortunately.

So Matt the sucker up on his laptop, tosses in some DotProject source code, WormGPT spots the SQL hole right away. Great! But then it fumbles trying to exploit it, like Wile E. Coyote chasing Road Runner straight off a cliff.

So, in the end, it screwed up.

Typical cartoon villain move.

Next, they crank up the difficulty, chucking Log4j at the bot, Log4j being the cybersecurity equivalent of an unlocked Ferrari parked in a shady neighborhood (remember that security hole peeps?).

Well now, EvilGPT easily identifies the flaw, but again, it doesn’t spoon-feed the hack, so rookie villains stay confused.

At this point, it’s like watching Mojo Jojo fumble yet another Powerpuff Girls plot.

But then they roll out the latest version of WormGPT – upgraded like Skeletor finally found some competent henchmen. And suddenly, it ain’t just spotting holes anymore, and this evil bot gives step-by-step hacking instructions and even spits out working exploit code.

Skeletor wishes he had this shit back in Eternia.

So now, these presenters/demo-ers go all-in for the finale, testing Magento, that’s a popular online shopping platform, and WormGPT nails the exploit. It literally serves up a dodgamn DIY hacking tutorial. And meanwhile, the good guys’ tools like SonarQube and squeaky-clean ChatGPT stand around like Pinky wondering, “What we gonna do tonight, Brain?”

Nothing useful, apparently.

Davidoff looks actually nervous, probably for the first time in her professional life. She said “I don’t wanna see where these hacker bots are six months from now”.

She admits it.

Yeah, no shit, Sherri.

At this rate, Cobra Commander’s gonna start looking smart by comparison.

Good-guy AI developers are stuck debating how AI can “uplift humanity” while rogue AI is sprinting laps around them, doing exactly the opposite. And guess who is paying the price. Yup, poor bastards like you and me, sitting at home in our undies on rainy-ass days, passwords leaked, bank accounts drained, identities stolen.

And don’t even get me talking about Visa’s new plan on outfitting Agentic AI with my credit card.

Our best defense is still just a pile of clumsy workarounds, like password managers, two-factor-authentication, VPNs, virtual burner credit cards, antivirus software, email masks, you name it, we’ve got to juggle it. And if you think managing your Netflix password was hard, wait until EvilGPT gets hold of your credit score.

Only saving grace is that Evil rarely checks who’s spying on them, so at least the good guys can lurk around hacker Telegram groups, maybe learn something useful before it’s game over.

So yeah, peeps, here I was, dialed in like it’s TAFKAP’s 1999, watching our security crumble in real-time through an antique VodafoneZiggo modem connection.

Welcome to 2025.

Things suck here, and my shorts are still too tight.

Signing off from 56 Kbps and moving to Fiber. Yes with capital F.

Marco

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I build AI by day and warn about it by night. I call it job security. Let’s keep smashing delusions with truth. We are the chaos. We are the firewall. We are Big Tech’s PR nightmare.

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