Sigh.

We are now officially living in the dumbest timeline of timelines ever, people. Forget the gluten-free inquisition, the flat-earth space race or the AI-robot baptisms of the past because we are now in a cybersecurity circus simply asking North Korean hackers, “Hey, how fat is Kim Jong Un?”

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What’s cooking?

Lemme tell ya.

Today, the cutting-edge cybersecurity tactic to thwart elite North Korean hackers is simply asking ‘em, “Hey, how fat is Kim Jong Un?”.

That’s it.

No secret passwords, no Illuminati handshakes, and not even upping the ante by introducing quantum-grade encryption, it’s just askin’ ‘em to body shame the dictator by asking them to verify his belt size.

Welcome to the future of cyber-counter-warfare peeps

It is hilarious, and stupider than ever.

So, why the hell is this even a thing?

Well, apparently them IT Oompa Loompas at North Korea spend their daylight hours scamming their way into cushy remote jobs at Fortune 500s and crypto startups, while at night, they funnel fat stacks of cash straight into Kim’s missile mania. You would think that elite state-sponsored hackers might have some next-level defense to cover their asses, but nah.

Turns out the supreme leader’s waistline is their Kryptonite.

When I checked around at ZME Science’s Tube-channel, I could proudly stat that we’re North Korean-hacker free, unless they are hiding real deep, or if Kim Jong has been doing some exercises lately. More likely the guy’s on Herbalife, cause I cannot picture the man loosin’ a drop of sweat running up- and down Mount Pikachu*, or breaking a sweat dodging Obi-Wan’s* noodle bars at Pyongyang’s all-you-can-eat buffets.

But anyway, if your company ain’t so lucky, feel free to borrow this groundbreaking investigative tactic by just slip in the “fat” question mid-Teams call. I know, it ain’t subtle, but subtlety is highly overrated anyway these days, so if your highly coveted candidate instantly peaces out or starts cussing in fluent N.Korean, well congratulations my HR friend, you have caught yourself a grade-A North Korean hackin’ fish.

Now, this guy called Adam Meyers, he’s from the company CrowdStrike- that’s a cybersecurity powerhouse – he spilled the beans at some fancy-ass cybersecurity conference in the US. It turns out that North Koreans infiltrators who are working abroad would rather swallow nails than utter a single bad word about their beloved leader.

So, this ridiculously blunt question has legitimately nuked multiple job interviews.

Startup CEOs like Harrison Leggio at g8keep (I like the name, unlike the stupid schmucks at 8vance who sold their AI-crap to my home-country’s employment service and scraped the living hell out of all our LinkedIn Profiles, but anyways), 98keep’s a secure crypto startup, and the man says that about 95% of the resumes he gets are basically Kim’s homies masquerading as hazelnut latte sipping devs from Silicon Valley.

Who knew the world’s most feared cybercriminals could be so touchy about a little waste fat?

But let’s get this one thing off the table, these guys aren’t so much applying to sell NFTs or whatever dumb crypto scheme is trending this week. It is a god darned military funding operation. According to Uncle Sam’s top agencies, like the dept. or Treasury, State, and the Fat-Boy Investigators, this North Korean IT hustle rakes in a tidy $250 to $600 million a year.

That’s a serious amount of coin, kids. All of it funnels straight into making Kim Jong Un’s missiles fly higher and faster.

Thanks a bunch, LinkedIn! Now I know where your two billion USD came from!

And it is getting worse.

CrowdStrike calls the hacker crew “Famous Chollima”.

What the fcukery?!

This sounds suspiciously like a Mexican indie band you’d pretend to listen to at Coachella, but apparently (had to look it up, cause my Korean is kinda crap) it has to do something with a mythical (of course) winged horse that flies fast – well at least faster than Kim Jong fleeing a vegan restaurant that is.

Lemme continue.

These guys and girls have been fingered in 304 cyber-attacks just this year (don’t confuse with a http 404 ya noobs, that’s just a total number, nothing fancy), and AI is like gasoline on their flaming shitstorm.

The apparently are able to fake LinkedIn profiles that are so polished they’d fool your mom. AI-generated headshots.

American-based server farms keeping up the charade.

It is Silicon Valley x North Korean espionage.

Again, what a time to be alive.

Once these dudes worm their way inside your precious startup, they are surprisingly productive. Well, the truth is that they’re having an entire IT squad behind one guy, and that kinda tends to boost productivity. But don’t be fooled by their strong Slack game and code-repo check-ins cause they’re collecting passwords, planting dormant malware, and scheming ways to milk you dry like some bloated tech cow.

FBI Special Agent Elizabeth Pelker (the bi-atch of cyber counter terrorism or some’n) literally warned they’re after max extortion potential.

Fun!

And hey, this whole circus doesn’t stop at American borders.

Google nerds say these North Korean goons are going global, targeting British defense firms, European AI companies (hi 8Vance, where’s your 60M tax refund?), and anyone who will unwittingly fund their missile hobby.

One dude alone had 12 different fake identities across Europe.

TWELVE.

All cozied up to defense contractors, government projects, and freelancing on Upwork.

Upwork!

Apparently they’re on sale these days!

Hell, sometimes they’re chillin’ in Russia, laundering cash straight into missiles Putin gleefully launches at Ukraine.

Cozy, innit.

Then there’s Aidan Raney, and that’s a dude who went full vigilante to expose these hacks.

He was posing as a clueless American job hunter and ended up in a video call with a bunch of North Koreans all weirdly named Ben. The Bens were ready, oh, they were eager, to craft fake LinkedIn pages, doctor headshots, even feed him real-time answers through remote desktop software, and Raney actually landed a legit $80k gig before having to sheepishly confess it was all North Korean smoke and mirrors.

How the hell did we get here?

Another sigh.

Look, folks, the defense against this nonsense is depressingly simple.

Just verify IDs with actual video calls, geo-check IP addresses (nah, don’t that’s for noobs), and compare ID selfies live (now that’s the way to go).

Just go old-skool.

And yes, ask your candidate about Kim Jong Un’s BMI if you have to. But face it, if asking about a fat dictator’s girth is your top cybersecurity defense, we are already screwed beyond repair.

And speaking of screwed, how long until other bizarre dictator-themed questions become the norm.

What’s next?

“How shirtless is Putin?” or “How shitty is Xi Jinping’s haircut?”

We’re not solving cybersecurity here peeps.

We are only turning interviews into comedy sketches.

Job interviews will become so absurd that legit candidates will just throw a tantrum, assuming it’s all some elaborate prank.

Worse yet, let’s imagine a future where this Kim Jong Un fat-check evolves into a cultural meme.

TikTok dances titled “Kimmy’s belly bounce”, or the “Supreme leader shuffle” trending globally, kids posting “Is Kim Thicc?” quizzes on Buzzfeed, or some insufferable influencer launching a line of “Dictator Diet Pills”.

Ugh. It’d be hilarious if it weren’t a literal missile-funding security hole. But maybe humor’s our only defense left against the red threat.

So yeah, you know, maybe someday we will fix cybersecurity fo real and won’t have to fat-check your new hires, but until then, y’all need to remember that if someone on LinkedIn looks too good to be true, it’s probably another hacker worried about insulting their Dear Leader’s dad bod.

Signing off from WW.

Marco

* It’s actually called something like Mount Paektu, and unfortunately not the name of the yellow electric rat.

** Okryu-gwan – it’s an infamous noodle house where the only thing griesier than the food is the propaganda on them red walls.

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I build AI by day and warn about it by night. I call it job security. Let’s keep smashing delusions with truth. We are the chaos. We are the firewall. We are Big Tech’s PR nightmare.

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