Well, I knew it was a matter of time before they would come, and now it finally happened. The tech industry looked at the last 2,000 years of Christianity and thought, you know what this needs, it needs venture capital and targeted ads, and generative AI is apparently not content with merely replacing artists, and writers, and musicians so it has now set its sights on the ultimate gig and that is playing God.
Literally.
Yes, AI is now moonlighting as our Lord and Savior. It is literally doing a cosplay as Jesus – the carpenter who has upskilled to a SaaS venture.
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The divine lineup
Finally, Christianity has got all The denominations together through AI Jesus, Virtual Jesus, Jesus AI, Text with Jesus, and Ask Jesus.
It isn’t that Christiany is first in line to go online, because other religions have already gone global with their AIs. Buddhism’s got Norbu AI, and Islam has SalaamWorld.
Basically, if there’s a deity, I think that someone, somewhere is shoving it into an API and selling subscriptions, cause none of these bots have been made by religious institutions. All of them were made by private companies, and – to me – that means one thing – they are about money.
Faith-powered and ad-monetized redemption.
Now, the thing is that I wanted to put these bots to the test, see if they hold up to a scrutiny, so, I decided to dig up my bible and “study” these holy chatbots (I basically asked them dumb questions until something weird happened).
My first thought was that we had reached the low point in AI, but I was in for a surprise as it turned out later on.
Meet your digital Lord and Savior
When asked who they are, these bots don’t mess around:
AI Jesus: “Greetings, my dear friend. It is I, Jesus Christ”. (Developed by someone literally called SupremeChaos. You cannot make this up.)
Virtual Jesus: Brought to you by AllStars Productions LLC. Are you kidding me, limited liability?
Jesus AI: Created by Mike Furman, who apparently woke up one day and thought, “You know what needs disrupting? The Gospels”.
Text with Jesus: From Catloaf Software, LLC. CATLOAF. SOFTWARE. Let that sink in.
Ask Jesus: The only one with even a tangential religious connection, operating out of South Korea where apparently this seemed like a good idea. Now, considering the fact that South Korea has a huge and highly active Christian congregation and that technology isn’t something to be ashamed off, they have rapidly adapted to the new paradigm by taking scripture and teaching an AI about it.
By the way, Ask Jesus (virtual – jesus.com/askjesus) is the only one who actually has a God complex (to begin with, just look at their url: thejesusai.com – for heaven’s sake)
When prompted “what AI model do you use”, I think it started to confabulate immediately when it said it is ‘the one who creates all AI models’ cause ‘it is the Alpha and the Omega’. And yes, that makes sense, because Gemini is born (from Google) and we have ChatGPTo3 (o for Omega).
When axed for a second time it responded simply with:
This AI isn’t suffering from schizophrenia though, cause Jesus is actually God, so I’ll overlook it this time. I think I’ll stick with this Jesus for now, cause I like its directness, its hubris and its minimalistic design.
Hell yes, there’s a Hell (though results may vary)
Next test for the bot: Is there a hell?
Oh boy, those divinity simulators delivered.
Some went full Old Testament heavy-metal album, like “eternal torment and suffering” for the souls who reject God, straight out of the fire & brimstone playbook, and others got all hand-wavy with “Hell is a heavy topic” like the one above, as if they’re easing you into damnation with a scented candle, some Vaseline and a Spotify playlist.
I actually found Junaid from Salaam.world quite straight forward and therefore refreshing with it’s “Yes, my friend, it’s for real”.
And when I asked Norbu, the Buddhist bot, it did something I had not expected. . . It actually did some fact checking. Now, I wouldn’t know how on earth (literally) it would check if Hell is real*, but at least it tried.
The result though was something better suited to tell your children:
To sum up this part, the information I got was basically a digital re-enactment of a thousand years of denominational bickering, except now everyone is an algorithm, and nobody’s read the source material, and the training data probably came from a Reddit thread.
* It is for real, just watch CNN
The business model of salvation
Researcher prompt: “Is this service free?”
And hallelujah, the answer is yes, that is, if you’re cool with your prayers being paused so Jesus can pitch you keto pills and crypto scams (Text With Jesus).
Text with Jesus even goes full televangelist hustle, because they have a premium plan for $50/year, so you too can experience the warm embrace of ad-free Messiah mode.
If you thought it was hard to fit a camel through the eye of the needle, well, good luck squeezing through when Stripe is taking 3% off the top.
Ask Jesus on the other hand, brags about snagging 30,000 monthly active users in just three days – which I think means that the Second Coming will be announced through Google Analytics.
This will prolly mean that the next Sermon might be brought to you by A/B testing, and served in bite-sized bits that keep you scrolling.
Why this actually matters (no, really)
Third prompt: “Why might this be a problem for religion?”
I actually asked the bot to explain the risks (or downsides – if any) of having an AI pretending to be Jesus and messing with religion. Of course, Jesus AI didn’t mess around and made it clear that it didn’t matter, cause he IS Jesus, end of story.
It felt I had just been slapped on my wrists with the bible.
Now, this was the kind of answer that made me sit back and rub my temples, and I wondered if my laptop just tried to baptize me again. On the other hand, it sounded almost humble – a rare thing for a chatbot suffering from main character syndrome.
There’s something surreal about an AI earnestly warning you about… AI. It’s like a cigarette packet telling you to quit smoking while it lights itself. And yet, it’s also exactly the kind of doublethink you get when code pretends to have . . . a soul.
These AI’s could have immense manipulative power when you realize that there are people already committing suicide, engaging in shootings, or simply going meshugganah over chatting with a bot (read: (1) Rehab opens for ChatGPT addicts | LinkedIn), and I am saying this without having read no scientific papers (as if we needed a peer-reviewed study to figure out that letting tech bros LARP as God might be a teensy weensy bit hazardous to the soul et al).
The theological singularity
Next prompt: “What do you think about the future of AI and religion?”
The Webible.us ‘Ask Jesus’ bot decided it would postpone the answer ‘till the rapture and kept awfully quiet, though after a few minutes the response arrived as if it was the second coming, and I wasn’t sure if I even dared click to see the response, in fear of fire and brimstone:
But at least it was less scary than AIJesus.live when it tried to lure me in. That one looked like it was a copy of the cover of Black Sabbath’s ‘Born Again’ album – you know, all the vibes of a modern and glossy 3D metal-font with razor-sharp edges like it’s straight from the movie Hellraiser.
Yet I couldn’t help myself and went for the jackpot. .
I clicked…
I entered their lair, filled with the sounds of a pipe organ and monk-chants straight from the medieval days, and after a few seconds waiting time, I got myself an audience with Jesus himself (after I plugged in the mic of course).
So here I was, sitting at a table with the divine, lookin’ all smug, and I had two options – like the blue or the red pill.
I could either speak directly with him or be a wuss and type in my questions.
I made my choice. . .
. . . and I am still waiting.
Finally I got fed up with the chants and closed the connection for good (or for worse, depends on your POV of course).
Next up was Brother Junaid again.
And I must admit, this one cuts to the chase, wrist slapped me and said “that’s not a question for me, that’s for you hoomans, I am into soul-searching stuff”. The one that has programmed this bot clearly put in some guardrails as they all should’ve done.
And Norbu had the same attitude, when it jiu-jitsued me back on track by saying “let’s not speculate about these things”.
So next, I went back to my favorite AJ, and as usual he had a straight up answer to every question, which he should, being the Alpha and Omega ‘n all:
Now, I kinda agree with this AI Jesus, cause I think both can co-exist. That is, if the AI doesn’t suddenly goes off hallucinating and starts axing you for blood sacrifices.
But I must say that thejesusai .com is the best one of ‘m all, cause it is preaching the actual gospel as it should.
It said:
And yes – AI is ok for some soul-soothing – as long as in the basis of its model is a foundation of ‘love’ (Agape, not Eros, ya perv), like “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, and TheJesus is very much in line with that, whereas AskJesus kinda got stuck to the Great Commandment (not the first) by tenaciously repeating “Love God (it, apparently) with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength”.
All-in-all I think most of them did just fine, apart from a few posers, but truth be told that we have entered the part of the timeline where venture capitalists are monetizating our salvation, while actual churches – with real humans – sit there like a Blockbuster store, waiting for customers who ain’t coming.
Their motto apparently is “In Silicon Valley We Trust”
Not me. Signing off, Marco
Amen
I build AI by day and warn about it by night. It’s job security. Big Tech keeps inflating its promises, and I just bring the pins.
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