Oh, for this story, I really need you to buckle up, dear reader. This one is going to be a ride straight into the dark heart of the tech ambitions from Austin Texas.
A driver – with the name of Scott – had his Tesla’s so-called Full Self-Driving mode engaged, and he was riding down a Washington road like a metal Grim Reaper. Supposed to be “at the wheel” was a 56-year-old man, who thought, “Hey, the car’s got this. I’ll just scroll through my phone while it steers me back home”.
Well, it did.
Until it didn’t.
It ran over a motorcyclist.
Killed him, and left the guy pinned under the car like a macabre auto-pilot Easter egg.
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Blame the dashboard, not the driver
And the man’s 911 call was a masterpiece of cluelessness. “I’m not sure how it happened, but I am freaking out”, is what he told the dispatchers.
Oh, Scott.
You don’t know how it happened?
Let me break it down for ya.
You bought into the hype of a car that drives itself like a drunk.
You took your hands off the wheel.
You looked at your phone.
And now someone’s dead.
Mystery solved.
Here’s where it gets worse, because of course it gets worse. When the crash details were dug up through public records, it turned out that the man left the car to its own devices for over a minute.
That’s 60 whole seconds of this man thinking, “Technology will save me while I ignore the road entirely”. But hey, Tesla told him it was called Full Self-Driving, so he shouldn’t get the blame.
Hello?
Anyone?
Never mind the fine print about supervision. Why read warnings when your dashboard’s promising a Jetsons future?
Tesla’s Full Self-Destruction mode
Let’s talk about what FSD mode is actually all about.
Tesla’s FSD is a death wish for drivers. And it’s a public menace, with hundreds of crashes, dozens of fatalities, and all while Musk’s crew says that it’s safer than us hooman drivers.
Sure, Elon.
And maybe a barbecue is safer than a fire extinguisher if you just ignore the flames.
Independent tests show that FSD doing its greatest hits: blowing through red lights, swerving like it’s auditioning for Mario Kart, and slamming the brakes for no damn reason.
But we need not complain!
At least it’s cutting-edge tech, and that should count for something?
Hello?
Anyone?
And what is the government doing?
Well, pretty much nothing. Regulators mumble warnings about “misleading marketing”, and “maybe the name of this ‘feature’ is not so well chosen”, but Tesla still has the green light to let its customers beta-test murder machines on public roads.
So you’re buying a car that is essentially a high-speed science experiment.
You don’t need a driver’s license for that. What you need is a waiver for reckless endangerment. But Musk… He’s all in.
He’s already teasing an unsupervised version of FSD.
That’s right.
No supervision.
No hands.
No clue.
Fewer crash reports won’t hide the bodies
The Death of Government Efficiency, you know, “DOGE” (For the uninitiated, DOGE is Musk’s new government department under Trump), because irony and corruption is alive and kicking, might soon strip away crash reporting requirements.
Let that sink in a feeeew seconds.
Driving in your murder, death, kill, Tesla means you won’t have to report details about the crash you have with your vehicle.
“Strip away crash reporting requirements” is of course Big Tech-speak for hiding the bodies.
It means that companies like Tesla will avoid telling anyone when their self-driving science experiments go haywire.
No reports.
No records.
No accountability.
If the car plows into a family sedan, runs a cyclist off the road, or decides a pedestrian crossing is just a suggestion, Tesla gets to keep it quiet. Because, if no one writes it down, it didn’t happen.
Q.E.D.
But crash reports are receipts. They are how regulators, and the rest of us figure out if these so-called innovations are safe, or just death traps. Tesla can keep selling the dream while sweeping its failures under the hood if we have to live without them.
You don’t get to see the crashes. You don’t get to ask questions. All you get is Elon Musk on stage, grinning like a guy who just sold you a bridge.
It’s not just about fewer reports, nor about Government Efficiency.
It’s about fewer consequences.
Tesla’s Full Self-Driving mode will cause a multi-car pileup, and no one’s the wiser. No data. No headlines. No outrage. Just silence.
If there’s one thing a company responsible for vehicular manslaughter needs, is less oversight. What’s next? Tesla loyalty points for every pedestrian you miss?
Your Tesla is just a loaded gun on wheels
The psychology of this all is almost too grim to process. People see their beautiful, overpriced Tesla doing okay on the highway and think, “This is fine”. Missy Cummings (sic!) is a robotics professor and former safety adviser, she nailed it! “Tesla Drivers get lulled into a false sense of security”. A little nudge here, a slight swerve there.
Pretty soon, you are trusting the car like it’s a friend who swears they can handle another drink. Until he barfs all over the place.
But don’t worry.
Elon’s got plans.
Plans to let these glorified Roombas with wheels run without supervision.
And if he has his way, the rules that are keeping a shred of accountability intact will be shredded like Tesla’s credibility after another crash. Full Self-Driving is a lie, and a loaded gun. And the trigger’s in the hands of every distracted driver who’s dumb enough to trust it.
So what’s the lesson I want to convey with this story?
Simple.
If you’re buying into this techno-utopian fantasy where cars drive themselves, I employ you to think twice. Because the only thing Tesla’s Full Self-Driving mode is guaranteed to drive is tragedy.
Go on, buy your FSD.
Just don’t act surprised when it turns your commute into someone else’s eulogy.
You’re killing it, Scott. Literally.
Signing off from the intersection of chaos and capitalism,
Marco
Well, that’s a wrap for today. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fresh episode of TechTonic Shifts for you. If you enjoy my writing and want to support my work, feel free to buy me a coffee ♨️
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